I figure that my first Mother’s Day is a good time to start a little series of posts about some of the difficulties, trials, surprises and delights of Motherhood that I have discovered on my path so far. These are just my own thoughts and feelings and stories that I would like to record and perhaps share with other mothers that might be experiencing the same things.
1. Loneliness. I know this feeling of loneliness will pass and I should enjoy all of this one on one time I get right now. And I am so grateful to be able to work from home and not have to drop my little man at a day care like so many other parents have to do. However, sometimes it feels like I never leave the house, and never have adult interactions with anyone other than Brian. I mean, I love my cutie pie and the chats that we have, but he isn’t the best conversationalist yet. Thank goodness for Facebook, sometimes it’s feels like my only connection to the outside world.
2. All consuming love. Sometimes it overwhelms me just how much love is in my heart for Arlo and for Brian as well. This family is something that at one time I could have never pictured happening and I am so so lucky and happy that I have these beautiful, wonderful people in my life.
3. I will do anything for this kid. In the dead of night when I hear a little voice through the baby monitor I jump out of bed to his crib, Brian sometimes never even hears him. As a previous deep sleeper I am really surprised by this about me. Even when I am super tired, my back hurts and he has been really fussy and I am almost at my wits end I never give up trying to help get that gas bubble out for him or make him happy. It doesn’t matter where I am or who is around, Arlo is my priority, I will sing to him in public, risk exposing myself and getting strange looks to feed him, and walk him around restaurants to calm him while he is crying.
4. Television will never be the same. I am brought to tears, sobbing tears whenever I watch anything to do with children getting hurt, dying, losing parents etc. etc. Everything I see and hear just makes me feel so much more, now that I have a little precious life to take care of. Life itself feels so much more important and special now and it pains me to see how much violence and hate there is in the world among men. When will we learn that love is all we need to make this world go round smoothly and happily.
5. Fear, Guilt and Anxiety. Arlo gave me my first huge scare as a mom this week. I placed him on my bed while I briefly went to the bathroom not 10 feet away, when he decided to do one huge roll and I heard a THUD and a SCREAM. I will never forget that sound and the feeling I had when I saw him face down on the floor. My heart sank. I was terrified that he was really hurt at first, then once I calmed him down and checked him over, I just had wave after wave of tears and guilt and felt like the worst mother in the world, apologizing to him over and over. Brian came home and we took him to the doc to get checked over. Mostly to get myself piece of mind to hear someone tell me he was ok and that I was ok and that this sort of thing happens to most mothers. I will have to start getting tough because I am sure this only the first of many tumbles and falls and bumps he will encounter. (ever since this he has been constantly showing off his newly found rolling skills, this little guy loves to be on the move, now I am much more prepared for it.)
6. My new perfume is called sour milk and spit up. Pretty much every shirt I own’s left shoulder gets this lovely little present within the first two hours of wearing it. Some days it’s not even worth changing, but there’s a point in the day when I turn my head to the left and want to vomit myself from the smell. Needless to say there is a lot of laundry.
7. I never thought I would find myself sniffing a butt like a dog. However, it has been done on multiple occasions to see if my little man has relieved himself or not. And every time I do it I think to myself… this isn’t weird in the least… and that is weird.
8. I can get frustrated and sick of dealing with my cutie pants sometimes. But after a little timeout (and a hot shower helps) I always miss him and regain my love and patience, although then also comes the guilt for getting frustrated in the first place. It’s a vicious cycle.
9. Time Flies. People always say that it will go fast and most of the time I am like, yea, yea, yea. But recently I took a look back at some photos of Arlo’s first month and I look at him now and wow, time is going by so fast. He is getting so big and making so many developments already. And I try to remind myself during trying times, that it really wont last and I wont get these moments back so enjoy them for what they are.
10. One thousand kisses a day is never enough. I could kiss and keep my nose and lips on my boy all day long! I love his smell and his chubby little cheeks.